Sunday, January 10, 2016
It's the 73rd Annual Golden Globes!
It's the 73rd annual Golden Globes. By the time we get to the end of this you'll feel like you have been watching this for 73 hours.
8:00: Ricky's beer looks flat and in need of a top up.
8:02: Dear Ricky: Just step away from the Caitlyn Jenner jokes.
8:03: Ricky makes Jeffrey Tambor jokes cause he knows there's always money in the banana stand.
8:04: Crowd shots of reactions to Roman Polanksi jokes are always gold.
8:05: I must have missed the musical and comedic aspects of "The Martian."
8:08: What is going on with Channing Tatum's hair? He's got the Crispin Glover going on.
8:09: I long for the days when Hollywood wasn't trying to make Jonah Hill happen. This thing he is doing is the best "this is your brain on coke" PSA ever.
8:10: Kate Winslet wins best supporting actress for that Steve Jobs thing no one saw.
8:11: Jane Fonda is having none of this shit.
8:12: "Oh good, J Lo is here," said a very small portion of the viewing public.
8:13: Maura Tierney win best supporting actress for "The Affair" which I am so happy for cause I love her. Also, she is wearing amazing statement glasses to accept her award.
8:20: Remember when Andy Samberg hosted The Emmys? Yikes. Let's drink to forget that some more.
8:22: Rachel Bloom wins best actress in a TV series comedy, musical, other stuff for "Crazy Ex Girlfriend." She sounds like she is on helium.
8:24: Here comes Terence Howard to accept his award for best abuser of ladies. Piece of shit.
8:25: "Mozart in the Jungle" wins for best TV series comedy. I have no clue what this is, but it doesn't sound funny at all. Jason Schwartzman is somehow involved which peaks my interest somewhat. The man never ages. He also has really silky hair.
8:28: Does anyone know if Bill Murray is in attendance?
8:31: My GG viewing party is discussing the downfall of Mischa Barton and Victorian monsters. There's a lot of crossover in these topics.
8:32: The president of the Hollywood Foreign Press provides you with an opportunity to use the washroom while he talks about some stuff.
8:34: I need the appeal of Matt Damon explained to me. Also, it's weird that he is introducing his own film. The most interesting thing to me about Matt Damon is that he dated Winona Ryder.
8:36: I would like to have a quiet word with whoever thought we needed another Pirates of the Caribbean movie.
8:37: "Wolf Hall" wins for best limited series or TV movie. I really, really wanted "American Horror Story: Hotel" to win cause I love it. Graham just explained "Wolf Hall" to the group. I love Graham, but I have no desire to watch "Wolf Hall."
8:41: Best actor in a limited TV series or TV movie goes to to Oscar Isaac for "Show Me A Hero." I like a boy who likes Oscar Isaac so I've been reading up on him. Oscar, not the boy.
8:42: My GG party attendees discuss Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart's relationship.
8:45: Why are stars introducing their own movies? It seems weird.
8:47: Raise your hand if you feel like you can die happily without ever seeing "Spy"?
8:48: Supporting actor in a TV series, limited movie or other thing goes to Christian Slater for "Mr. Robot." I want to buy him a cherry slushee and some BQ cornnuts to celebrate.
8:51: If you need blow make a beeline for Jaime Foxx. He has your back.
8:53: "Hateful Eight" wins for Original Score. Quentin Tarantino will also give you a bump should need be.
8:54: Did Jamie Foxx just call Quentin "ghetto"?
8:55: Jon Hamm wins best actor in a TV series drama. Is he wearing underwear? Is there Hammbone?
9:03: Charlie Sheen hooker jokes feel very 2013.
9:04: I love Amy and Jennifer, but would love them to stop talking.
9:05: If you buy me a drink I will tell you all my problems with the ending of "Trainwreck."
9:06: If you enjoyed "Joy" my GG viewing party would like to hear from you.
9:07: Matt Damon over Christian Bale and Steve Carell. Dear Hollywood Foreign Press: Maybe go fuck yourself.
9:09: I hate when people use their acceptance speech to tell their kids to go to bed. Stop showing off your parenting skills.
9:14: Please take a moment to notice that Kate Hudson has been working on her fitness.
9:15: "Inside Out" wins for Motion Picture, Animated. That's all I got about that.
9:17: Brad Pitt is looking more and more like a wax statue of Brad Pitt. Also, Channing Tatum and Brad Pitt have the same barber.
9:20: Is there a reason people are giving Sylvester Stallone a standing ovation? What am I missing?
9:26: Oh look, Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell got some half off New Year's Eve decorations.
9:28: Best movie screenplay goes to anyone but Aaron Sorkin for that Steve Jobs movie. Please.
9:29: The GG gods hate me. Congrats Sorkin. I guess.
9:31: A show with a name like "The Grinder" should never be rewarded. Can you imagine the names they didn't use? Gael Garcia Bernel wins best actor in a comedy for "Mozart in the Jungle."
9:37: Remember when Hollywood was trying to make Gerard Butler happen?
9:38: "Like the Lake House, but shittier?" said me. I have a bright future as a film critic.
9:40: If you don't pay attention to the best foreign film winner's speech you're a raging asshole.
9:41: Some racist intro proceeds Kevin Hart and Ken Jeong.
9:44: Best actress in a limited series or TV movie goes to Lady Gaga for "American Horror Story." Little monsters rejoice. Little monsters should also help her dial this acceptance speech shit back. It's getting painful, painful like AHS: Freak Show painful.
9:45: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS FLUTE MUSIC? It sounds like my Grade 3 class when we were learning the recorder.
9:51: Katy Perry presents best original song to some singing thing from James Bond. Katy is wearing a low cut gown so the golden globes boob jokes start in 3, 2, 1....
9:53: Mel Gibson still gets invited to things? Ricky Gervais welcomes him by comparing him to Bill Cosby.
9:55: If you were hoping someone would mention sugar tits tonight you should send Ricky an edible arrangement.
9:57: Alan Cumming gives us the best post-GG GIF.
9:58: Best TV series drama goes to "Mr. Robot." Also, Olivia Wilde's presence on stage reminds me how excited I am about HBO's "Vinyl."
10:04: Tom Hanks thinks he's Bill Murray. He is not.
10:04-what seems like forever: Tom Hanks talks.
10:07: Denzel Washington wins that lifetime thing. We are reminded of how many Denzel Washington films we have forgotten about.
10:11: Denzel bring his entire family on stage. His one son is not there and has been promptly cut from the will.
10:14: Eyeglasses feature prominently in his acceptance speech.
10:15: Graham has just informed us there is a sequel to "Independence Day" coming. Excitement levels about this vary.
10:16: We debate how many Hemsworth brothers there are. Apparently, only two, but I think those things reproduce like Gremlins and one day they will overthrow us all and rule the universe.
10:19: I don't know the difference between Chris Pine and Chris Evans and I am okay with that.
10:21: Best director motion picture goes to Alejandro González Iñárritu for "The Revenant." I totally cut and pasted his name from his imdb page cause I am drunk and can't do accents properly when intoxicated.
10:26: Best actress in a TV drama goes to Taraji P. Henson for "Empire." She gives people cookies as she approaches the stage to accept cause her character is Cookie. This seems like a wine-fueled good idea that didn't translate well.
10:27: Yay, the accountants are coming.
10:31: Best actress in a motion picture comedy goes to Jennifer Lawrence for "Joy." I am sad she didn't trip.
10:34: Maggie Gyllenhaal I love you, but not your enunciation skills.
10:36: The words "Up next, Jim Carrey" strike fear in my heart.
10:39: If you've been trying to forget Tobey Maguire your dream is over.
10:42: Best motion picture comedy/musical goes to "The Martian." It is neither a comedy or a musical.
10:50: Best actress in a motion picture drama goes to Brie Larson for "Room." Best actor in a motion picture drama goes to some guy named Leonardo DiCaprio. ARE YOU LISTENING OSCARS?
11:02: Best motion picture drama goes to "The Revenant." I really want to see this movie.
WE ARE DONE. SEE YOU FOR THE OSCARS!
Sunday, September 20, 2015
"Television's Biggest Night"! It's the 2015 Emmys.
Are you enjoying the 800 hours of E! Red Carpet coverage? Are you aware that Ryan Seacrest is the Executive Producer of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" and therefore somewhat responsible for their presence in our lives? Does this fill you with anger and make you want to mainline more liquor? Good, we're on the same page.
If you're watching the red carpet coverage you will know that it is very hot in LA and everyone would like to talk about this. Everyone is sweaty and moist and not in a good Flashdance glistening way. Also, Seacrest and G Rancic are not great at this. Seacrest didn't bother to shave and Rancic looks like she's standing right beside a shelf from my local Garden Centre. I'd kinda rather watch the mani cam and the 360 glam cam do the red carpet interviews.
This is the 67th Emmys in case keeping track of that stuff is important to you and you will win extra snacks and accolades at your Emmy viewing party for correctly knowing the answer to this fun fact.
7:56: FOUR MINUTES!!!! If you made it thru all the red carpet coverage you are a real awards season hero and I salute you. Did you see that Ryan Seacrest was wearing a Ryan Seacrest tux? Wearing yourself is very meta. If the Keebler elves need suits Ryan has them covered.
8:00: Is Andy Samberg carrying DVDs? Do people still use those? This is kind of like that old SNL Lonely Island skit about doing too much cocaine.
8:02: Not to brag, but Nathan Fillion once accidentally spilled beer on me at a campus bar in Edmonton in the 1990s. Please remember this fact when you think about whether or not to add me to your Christmas card list this year.
8:04: SHOUT OUT TO WIFE SWAP! Also, Andy cleans up nice.
8:06: People do not get the Back to the Future reference or the Dagwood shoutout. This is what happens when you let nerds host.
8:07: Diversity shout out. Quick find the people of colour in the crowd. Thank you Queen Latifah for raising your hand so the camera people don't have to play diversity Where's Waldo.
8:08: Terrence Howard does not care for political humour.
8:10: The joke about dudes boning themselves to Eye of the Tiger by Survivor was good. Also, congrats on the Emmys for taking a full 10 minutes to make a joke about how bad True Detective is.
8:13: Double Amy! Schumer and Poehler. AMAZING. LOVE THEM. Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series goes to Allison Janney for Mom. I really wanted Gabby Hoffman to win cause she is fantastic. Allison is thanking Chuck Lorre. Somewhere Charlie Sheen is not winning.
8:17: Please take a moment to talk amongst yourselves about how flawless Jessica Lange is.
8:22: Comedy Series Writing goes to three white dudes for VEEP (You can Google their names on the next commercial break. Or get more booze. Identify your priorities and plan accordingly). Also, I do not ever want to watch Will Forte (also nominated in this category) and his beard eat soup.
8:26-what seems like forever: Ricky Gervais makes lame jokes about how he has never won an Emmy.
8:27: ADAM DRIVER MUST WIN Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series. HE MUST. His roller coaster clipped method of talking is one of my favourite parts of Girls. Also, I think the male characters on Girls (Adam and Ray. Not Desi. Never Desi) are way more interesting than the female. Sadly, Adam does not win. Buster Bluth wins for VEEP. I really want someone to yell "No Touching!"
8:33: The Activia Challenge seems like a pain in the ass.
8:35: Jokes about how old John Stamos is. Don't let him drive you home. Guest Actor in a Comedy Series goes to Bradley Whitford in Transparent . Guest Actress in a Comedy Series goes to Joan Cusack in Shameless. Joan is my favourite part of Shameless. I wish Frank would die. Why won't he die?
8:37: Best Directing in a Comedy Series goes to Jill Soloway for Transparent. I don't like to focus on her looks over her talent, but her polka dot suit is amazing and I want one.
8:40: Adam Samberg makes a joke about the analignus episode of Girls which just brings that cheese dick Desi back to the forefronts of our public consciousness which is just wrong. I hate Desi with the power of a million suns.
8:41: Jimmy Kimmel presents Lead Actor in a Comedy Series to Jeffrey Tambor for Transparent.
8:50: Are Will Forte and January Jones still dating?
8:50: Lorne Michaels always looks like he's thinking about endless shrimp week at Red Lobster.
8:55: Lead Actress in a Comedy Series goes to Julia Louis-Dreyfus for VEEP. I really wanted Amy Poehler to win. Or Lisa Kudrow in The Comeback which I love.
8:56: The Reality TV category nominees are a little too highbrow for me. I want to see Teen Mom 2 nominated or Bar Rescue (basically Kitchen Nightmares but for bars and with yelling in an American accent not a British one). Or I'd love to see World's Worst Tenants nominated which is my favourite reality show ever and features a Dog the Bounty Hunter like character who evicts fuckface neighbours who do things like keep sharks in their bathtub or steal all their neighbours' power so they can throw kick ass backyard raves. One episode featured a woman who had turned her landlord's place into a high end escort agency. It is an amazing show and deserves to be recognized for its excellence. I also just learned there is a reality TV show about a New Kids on the Block cruise. This must receive accolades. The Voice wins. 800 people take the stage cause it takes a village to produce what is essentially a high school talent show.
9:04: SHOUT OUT TO THE ACCOUNTANTS. I dislike when the enthusiasm for the accountants borders on mocking.
9:05: Luscious and Cookie have been drinking an Empire of backstage booze judging from their presentation skills.
9:06: Writing for a limited series, HBO movie or episode of American Horror Story goes to Jane Anderson for Oliver Kitteridge. This miniseries has Bill Murray, but only in the last 22 minutes. It has Frances McDormand for the whole thing though which is awesome. I love her.
9:08: Supporting Actress for a limited series, HBO movie or episode of American Horror Story goes to Regina King for American Crime. It does not go to one of the three actresses nominated for American Horror Story cause Freak Show was awful.
9:11: I love John Oliver. Directing in a limited series, HBO movie or episode of American Horror Story goes to Lisa Cholodenko for Olive Kitteridge.
9:18: Rob Lowe is coming up. He is the star of a new show called The Grinder in which he plays a lawyer. This is an awful name for a show. What are you doing tonight? Just staying in and watching The Grinder!
9:23: Maggie GylenI'vehadtoomuchwinetospellthisright and Liev Schreiber present Supporting Actor in a limited series, HBO movie or episode of American Horror Story to Bill Murray for Olive Kitteridge. I clap loudly cause I love Bill Murray. He is not there to accept cause he is off bartending with Wu-Tang Clan or crashing a karaokee party. It was my birthday this week and my friend Sue got me a Bill Murray adult colouring book and it is awesome. So is Sue.
9:28: Best Actress in a limited series, HBO movie or episode of American Horror Story goes to Frances McDormand for Olive Kitteridge. Frances is a Grammy win away from an EGOT. Feel free to dazzle your Emmy party with this fun fact. You're welcome.
9:32: I'd rather watch The Grinder than see The Intern.
9:35: Lady Gaga who is on the new season of American Horror Story which I feel like I am made aware of every second of every day presents Best Actor in a limited series, HBO movie or episode of American Horror Story to Richard Jenkins for Olive Kitteridge. I believe this concludes the Oliver Kitteridge portion of the evening.
9:37: I believe Fred Savage in also in The Grinder. He presents a montage of shows that ended this year. Dave Letterman, Glee (thank god), Jon Stewart, The Newsroom (so much talking, so very much talking), Boardwalk Empire, The Colbert Report, True Blood, Sons of Anarchy, Parks and Recreation, Nurse Jackie, Mad Men, Two And A Half Men (so much thank god) and other stuff I don't recognize. It's like the dead people part of the Oscars, but for TV shows.
9:41: Marcia Gay Harden says a bunch of words. Outstanding limited series, HBO movie or episode of American Horror Story goes to Olive Kitteridge. I was wrong about the OK portion of the evening being over.
9:49: Best Writing for a Variety Series goes to The Daily Show. Someone who is not Jon Stewart accepts.
9:53: Cookie from Empire is like the Taylor Swift of the Emmys. She stands and claps for everyone.
9:54: Best Variety Series Sketch goes to Inside Amy Schumer.
9:58: ONE HOUR LEFT. WE CAN DO THIS PEOPLE.
10:01: They should have gotten Chet Haze instead of Colin Hanks.
10:03: Best Directing for a Variety Series goes to a white dude from The Daily Show who is not Jon Stewart.
10:04: Best Variety Talk Series goes to The Daily Show. I've had too much wine to keep all this variety straight.
10:08: RYAN ATWOOD! Is The O.C. finally receiving an award? Ryan should win for side eye and cage fighting.
10:10: Best Drama Series Writing goes to some white dudes from Game of Thrones. One of them accidentally says "shit."
10:16: Ray Parker Jr. is playing with the band? That explains why I feel like we've been hearing the Ghostbusters theme all night. Who ya gonna call? Someone that can wrap this shit up pronto. 45 more minutes.
10:18: Some Emmy important white dude talks about the power of TV. At this point he just sounds like the teacher from the Peanuts cartoon.
10:19: Emma Roberts and Jaime Lee Curtis from Scream Queens present Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Series. I feel like Scream Queens could be really good or really bad. The winner is Uzo Aduba for OITNB. Best Directing for a Drama Series goes to a white dude from Game of Thrones.Did his wife just cringe when he thanked her? That seems rude.
10:26: Did you see that Fred Armisen showed up on the red carpet with some sort of Freddy Krueger hand thing? Should we just ignore it and hope it will just go away. Sure.
10:27: Dear Mad Men: Screw you. Love, the Emmys.
10:28: Supporting Actor in a Drama Series goes to Peter Dinklage for Game of Thrones.
10:30: I see dead people in montage format.
10:36: I am getting nervous for Jon Hamm. I am also nervous there are more variety categories just waiting in the wings.
10:39: Best Actor in a Drama Series. C'mon Jon! YAY! Jon Hamm finally wins for Don Draper!!!! Viva la Hammaconda. He is apparently newly sober and newly single. Get at him ladies. He is a winner (literally).
10:43: Lead Actress in a Drama Series goes to Viola Davis for How To Get Away With Murder. I was really pulling for Elisabeth Moss. Also, fun fact: Tina Fey once said Adrien Brody was the most obnoxious/worst guest host SNL ever had.
10:50: The Emmy for Best Comedy Series is presented by Mel Brooks and goes to hopefully not Modern Family. It goes to VEEP. I really just wanted anyone but Modern Family to win cause it always wins and I don't understand audiences television boner for it.
10:55: Tracy Morgan presents Best Drama Series to Game of Thrones. Wow, I totally thought Mad Men would win. On the plus side, Tracy Morgan makes a 30 Rock style joke about getting ladies pregnant at the after party.
11:00: I like the Emmys cause unlike the Oscars they care about ending on time. Respect for my bedtime is important to me when selecting an awards show.
If you're watching the red carpet coverage you will know that it is very hot in LA and everyone would like to talk about this. Everyone is sweaty and moist and not in a good Flashdance glistening way. Also, Seacrest and G Rancic are not great at this. Seacrest didn't bother to shave and Rancic looks like she's standing right beside a shelf from my local Garden Centre. I'd kinda rather watch the mani cam and the 360 glam cam do the red carpet interviews.
This is the 67th Emmys in case keeping track of that stuff is important to you and you will win extra snacks and accolades at your Emmy viewing party for correctly knowing the answer to this fun fact.
7:56: FOUR MINUTES!!!! If you made it thru all the red carpet coverage you are a real awards season hero and I salute you. Did you see that Ryan Seacrest was wearing a Ryan Seacrest tux? Wearing yourself is very meta. If the Keebler elves need suits Ryan has them covered.
8:00: Is Andy Samberg carrying DVDs? Do people still use those? This is kind of like that old SNL Lonely Island skit about doing too much cocaine.
8:02: Not to brag, but Nathan Fillion once accidentally spilled beer on me at a campus bar in Edmonton in the 1990s. Please remember this fact when you think about whether or not to add me to your Christmas card list this year.
8:04: SHOUT OUT TO WIFE SWAP! Also, Andy cleans up nice.
8:06: People do not get the Back to the Future reference or the Dagwood shoutout. This is what happens when you let nerds host.
8:07: Diversity shout out. Quick find the people of colour in the crowd. Thank you Queen Latifah for raising your hand so the camera people don't have to play diversity Where's Waldo.
8:08: Terrence Howard does not care for political humour.
8:10: The joke about dudes boning themselves to Eye of the Tiger by Survivor was good. Also, congrats on the Emmys for taking a full 10 minutes to make a joke about how bad True Detective is.
8:13: Double Amy! Schumer and Poehler. AMAZING. LOVE THEM. Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series goes to Allison Janney for Mom. I really wanted Gabby Hoffman to win cause she is fantastic. Allison is thanking Chuck Lorre. Somewhere Charlie Sheen is not winning.
8:17: Please take a moment to talk amongst yourselves about how flawless Jessica Lange is.
8:22: Comedy Series Writing goes to three white dudes for VEEP (You can Google their names on the next commercial break. Or get more booze. Identify your priorities and plan accordingly). Also, I do not ever want to watch Will Forte (also nominated in this category) and his beard eat soup.
8:26-what seems like forever: Ricky Gervais makes lame jokes about how he has never won an Emmy.
8:27: ADAM DRIVER MUST WIN Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series. HE MUST. His roller coaster clipped method of talking is one of my favourite parts of Girls. Also, I think the male characters on Girls (Adam and Ray. Not Desi. Never Desi) are way more interesting than the female. Sadly, Adam does not win. Buster Bluth wins for VEEP. I really want someone to yell "No Touching!"
8:33: The Activia Challenge seems like a pain in the ass.
8:35: Jokes about how old John Stamos is. Don't let him drive you home. Guest Actor in a Comedy Series goes to Bradley Whitford in Transparent . Guest Actress in a Comedy Series goes to Joan Cusack in Shameless. Joan is my favourite part of Shameless. I wish Frank would die. Why won't he die?
8:37: Best Directing in a Comedy Series goes to Jill Soloway for Transparent. I don't like to focus on her looks over her talent, but her polka dot suit is amazing and I want one.
8:40: Adam Samberg makes a joke about the analignus episode of Girls which just brings that cheese dick Desi back to the forefronts of our public consciousness which is just wrong. I hate Desi with the power of a million suns.
8:41: Jimmy Kimmel presents Lead Actor in a Comedy Series to Jeffrey Tambor for Transparent.
8:50: Are Will Forte and January Jones still dating?
8:50: Lorne Michaels always looks like he's thinking about endless shrimp week at Red Lobster.
8:55: Lead Actress in a Comedy Series goes to Julia Louis-Dreyfus for VEEP. I really wanted Amy Poehler to win. Or Lisa Kudrow in The Comeback which I love.
8:56: The Reality TV category nominees are a little too highbrow for me. I want to see Teen Mom 2 nominated or Bar Rescue (basically Kitchen Nightmares but for bars and with yelling in an American accent not a British one). Or I'd love to see World's Worst Tenants nominated which is my favourite reality show ever and features a Dog the Bounty Hunter like character who evicts fuckface neighbours who do things like keep sharks in their bathtub or steal all their neighbours' power so they can throw kick ass backyard raves. One episode featured a woman who had turned her landlord's place into a high end escort agency. It is an amazing show and deserves to be recognized for its excellence. I also just learned there is a reality TV show about a New Kids on the Block cruise. This must receive accolades. The Voice wins. 800 people take the stage cause it takes a village to produce what is essentially a high school talent show.
9:04: SHOUT OUT TO THE ACCOUNTANTS. I dislike when the enthusiasm for the accountants borders on mocking.
9:05: Luscious and Cookie have been drinking an Empire of backstage booze judging from their presentation skills.
9:06: Writing for a limited series, HBO movie or episode of American Horror Story goes to Jane Anderson for Oliver Kitteridge. This miniseries has Bill Murray, but only in the last 22 minutes. It has Frances McDormand for the whole thing though which is awesome. I love her.
9:08: Supporting Actress for a limited series, HBO movie or episode of American Horror Story goes to Regina King for American Crime. It does not go to one of the three actresses nominated for American Horror Story cause Freak Show was awful.
9:11: I love John Oliver. Directing in a limited series, HBO movie or episode of American Horror Story goes to Lisa Cholodenko for Olive Kitteridge.
9:18: Rob Lowe is coming up. He is the star of a new show called The Grinder in which he plays a lawyer. This is an awful name for a show. What are you doing tonight? Just staying in and watching The Grinder!
9:23: Maggie GylenI'vehadtoomuchwinetospellthisright and Liev Schreiber present Supporting Actor in a limited series, HBO movie or episode of American Horror Story to Bill Murray for Olive Kitteridge. I clap loudly cause I love Bill Murray. He is not there to accept cause he is off bartending with Wu-Tang Clan or crashing a karaokee party. It was my birthday this week and my friend Sue got me a Bill Murray adult colouring book and it is awesome. So is Sue.
9:28: Best Actress in a limited series, HBO movie or episode of American Horror Story goes to Frances McDormand for Olive Kitteridge. Frances is a Grammy win away from an EGOT. Feel free to dazzle your Emmy party with this fun fact. You're welcome.
9:32: I'd rather watch The Grinder than see The Intern.
9:35: Lady Gaga who is on the new season of American Horror Story which I feel like I am made aware of every second of every day presents Best Actor in a limited series, HBO movie or episode of American Horror Story to Richard Jenkins for Olive Kitteridge. I believe this concludes the Oliver Kitteridge portion of the evening.
9:37: I believe Fred Savage in also in The Grinder. He presents a montage of shows that ended this year. Dave Letterman, Glee (thank god), Jon Stewart, The Newsroom (so much talking, so very much talking), Boardwalk Empire, The Colbert Report, True Blood, Sons of Anarchy, Parks and Recreation, Nurse Jackie, Mad Men, Two And A Half Men (so much thank god) and other stuff I don't recognize. It's like the dead people part of the Oscars, but for TV shows.
9:41: Marcia Gay Harden says a bunch of words. Outstanding limited series, HBO movie or episode of American Horror Story goes to Olive Kitteridge. I was wrong about the OK portion of the evening being over.
9:49: Best Writing for a Variety Series goes to The Daily Show. Someone who is not Jon Stewart accepts.
9:53: Cookie from Empire is like the Taylor Swift of the Emmys. She stands and claps for everyone.
9:54: Best Variety Series Sketch goes to Inside Amy Schumer.
9:58: ONE HOUR LEFT. WE CAN DO THIS PEOPLE.
10:01: They should have gotten Chet Haze instead of Colin Hanks.
10:03: Best Directing for a Variety Series goes to a white dude from The Daily Show who is not Jon Stewart.
10:04: Best Variety Talk Series goes to The Daily Show. I've had too much wine to keep all this variety straight.
10:08: RYAN ATWOOD! Is The O.C. finally receiving an award? Ryan should win for side eye and cage fighting.
10:10: Best Drama Series Writing goes to some white dudes from Game of Thrones. One of them accidentally says "shit."
10:16: Ray Parker Jr. is playing with the band? That explains why I feel like we've been hearing the Ghostbusters theme all night. Who ya gonna call? Someone that can wrap this shit up pronto. 45 more minutes.
10:18: Some Emmy important white dude talks about the power of TV. At this point he just sounds like the teacher from the Peanuts cartoon.
10:19: Emma Roberts and Jaime Lee Curtis from Scream Queens present Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Series. I feel like Scream Queens could be really good or really bad. The winner is Uzo Aduba for OITNB. Best Directing for a Drama Series goes to a white dude from Game of Thrones.Did his wife just cringe when he thanked her? That seems rude.
10:26: Did you see that Fred Armisen showed up on the red carpet with some sort of Freddy Krueger hand thing? Should we just ignore it and hope it will just go away. Sure.
10:27: Dear Mad Men: Screw you. Love, the Emmys.
10:28: Supporting Actor in a Drama Series goes to Peter Dinklage for Game of Thrones.
10:30: I see dead people in montage format.
10:36: I am getting nervous for Jon Hamm. I am also nervous there are more variety categories just waiting in the wings.
10:39: Best Actor in a Drama Series. C'mon Jon! YAY! Jon Hamm finally wins for Don Draper!!!! Viva la Hammaconda. He is apparently newly sober and newly single. Get at him ladies. He is a winner (literally).
10:43: Lead Actress in a Drama Series goes to Viola Davis for How To Get Away With Murder. I was really pulling for Elisabeth Moss. Also, fun fact: Tina Fey once said Adrien Brody was the most obnoxious/worst guest host SNL ever had.
10:50: The Emmy for Best Comedy Series is presented by Mel Brooks and goes to hopefully not Modern Family. It goes to VEEP. I really just wanted anyone but Modern Family to win cause it always wins and I don't understand audiences television boner for it.
10:55: Tracy Morgan presents Best Drama Series to Game of Thrones. Wow, I totally thought Mad Men would win. On the plus side, Tracy Morgan makes a 30 Rock style joke about getting ladies pregnant at the after party.
11:00: I like the Emmys cause unlike the Oscars they care about ending on time. Respect for my bedtime is important to me when selecting an awards show.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Dear Lindsay Lohan: We're breaking up.
Dear Lindsay,
I had hoped it wouldn't come to this, but I feel like the time has come for us to part ways. For many years I've been a Li Lo apologist. I've defended your arrests, your trips to rehab, your role in The Canyons, pretty much everything except your friendship with Paris Hilton. Sorry, I just could never defend that. Ever. Oh, and dating Wilmer Valderrama. That just seems ill advised and all sorts of gross.
You see I'm feeling a bit stretched thin lately. I just don't think I can give defending you the attention I once did. As you know, I'm also a Courtney Love apologist and you two ladies really keep me hopping. With the 20th anniversary of Kurt Cobain's death coming up next week I feel like I am really going to need to be all hands on deck for Courtney.
I know it's been a rough couple of weeks for you. In Touch published that list of famous people you slept with and whole lot of slut shaming ensued. Sorry about that. It's a pretty impressive list though. Hats—and leggings—off to you! Please tell me your coupling with Joaquin Phoenix happened during his acting phase though and not his rapper phase.
I do have a slight problem with the fact that the list appears to have been written on a Scattergories scorecard. It seems wrong to interrupt the wholesome fun that is Scattergories to make a conquest list. Also, this just seems like a waste of good Scattergories supplies and a decision that could deprive future Scattergories playing generations of fun and methods of keeping score. Also, you apparently left this list at a hotel bar. This seems dumber than having sex with Adam Levine and his moves like Jagger. You own a safe. I saw it on your reality show. Next time you make a list like this you should put it in there. Or just share it with a few friends via Google docs. Don't leave it lying around. Didn't Oprah share these sorts of words of wisdom with you?
As if having your conquest dirty laundry aired wasn't bad enough then James Franco came forward and said he never slept with you. Perhaps he’s operating on some totally different performance art level now and is unable to recognize the basic human act of lovemaking anymore. Or maybe his performance was so bad he's blocked it out of his mind like most of us did with his Oscar hosting gig. Or maybe he's saving himself for Marina Abramovic. Who knows.
Anyways, you've had a rough few weeks so I hate to do this now. Also, I was really excited for your new reality show—I refuse to call it a docu series—and was totally rooting for you. I really was. You seemed excited to get your shit together and if anyone can help with that it's Oprah. Also, she gives away new cars and washers and dryers so she's a really good friend to have.
My excitement was short lived though and each episode I watched just made it worse. I just can't cheer for you anymore. Could you please just once take responsibility for where your life is and the choices you made? Pretty please?
On Sunday night's episode you basically blamed your failed career on your manager. It seems he's just not fighting for you the way you think he should be. You think he is giving all your potential roles to Vanessa Hudgens. This is weird claim to make cause I don't feel like movie going public is inundated with Vanessa Hudgens performances. She was great in Spring Breakers, but you couldn't have accepted that role cause it would have been awkward for you to work with non-sex partner James Franco. You know that people don't hire you cause you show up late, don’t show up at all, are often arrested, spend a lot of time in rehab and were portrayed as the worst thing about The Canyons (which is really, really hard to do), right?
It's so weird that your stellar track record wouldn't have your management team jumping thru massive hoops to make shit happen for you. You know who can make shit happen for you? You. Give it a try. Your life coach was totally trying to get you to admit this on Sunday night's episode. She even had a big ass dry erase board and felt markers to drive this shit home for you, but you were really having none of it. When people bring out big ass dry erase boards they mean business.
You know that your reality show is actually on TV, right? And people are watching it and shit? A good way to impress potential employers and show that bitch Vanessa Hudgens what you're made of might be to like wake up before 1:00 p.m. and not blow off the crew and be unavailable for shooting. You keep saying you don’t have a shooting schedule, but I feel like when you’re on a reality show the schedule is: always. This is Oprah. You don't fuck around. Also, stop going to clubs. You know you're going to be photographed and everyone will assume that you were drinking even if you weren't. People are just assholes that way.
I was really excited for you when you got your new apartment a few episodes ago. It seemed really important to you and your sobriety that you got your own place. What an ordeal though! Nothing is easy for you and again you blamed everyone else for your problems in securing it. I want to buy your assistant a Coke (no, not that kind) cause while he was running around in that one suit he owns trying to make rental shit happen you were sleeping. At 4:00 in the afternoon. If you really have changed try waking up in a time period followed by “a.m.” Also, you own a lot of shit. Far too much shit. You’re like a never-ending episode of Hoarders or that house from the True Detective finale (PS: Screw you, True Detective finale.). Downsize.
Addiction is rough. I'm not denying that. And your parents seem like super bad influences. Shout out to your Mom for getting a DUI in the second episode. You should never drive drunk, but you should really, really never drive drunk when your daughter is shooting a reality show that involves her getting her life back on track after often driving drunk. Also, your Dad is just a douche who mocks your recovery. I did appreciate him helping to pack up and move that computer printer last episode though. Super helpful.
Watching your sober coach awkwardly dance around the question of whether you're sober or not in Sunday night's episode was just too painful. I can't take it anymore. Even your life coach is at her wit's end and she seems like a tough cookie that makes kick ass looking egg white omelettes. Don't even get me started on your poor tortured assistant. The man is one shitty yelling match with you away from going back to work for Prince. Who would want to put up with your condescending bullshit when he can listen to doves cry and party like it's 1999?
Sure you were great in Mean Girls, but I am starting to think most of that was just an awesome script (Tina Fey!) and really good co-stars (Rachel McAdams!). It’s been a lot of years since Mean Girls. They are doing a reunion and you weren’t even invited. Fetch will happen before you get an invite. It didn't have to be this way.
I hope you can turn this around.
Wishing you all the best,
Your former apologist Lisa
PS: Remember to use your safe!
PPS: Stay away from Wilmer!!
I had hoped it wouldn't come to this, but I feel like the time has come for us to part ways. For many years I've been a Li Lo apologist. I've defended your arrests, your trips to rehab, your role in The Canyons, pretty much everything except your friendship with Paris Hilton. Sorry, I just could never defend that. Ever. Oh, and dating Wilmer Valderrama. That just seems ill advised and all sorts of gross.
You see I'm feeling a bit stretched thin lately. I just don't think I can give defending you the attention I once did. As you know, I'm also a Courtney Love apologist and you two ladies really keep me hopping. With the 20th anniversary of Kurt Cobain's death coming up next week I feel like I am really going to need to be all hands on deck for Courtney.
I know it's been a rough couple of weeks for you. In Touch published that list of famous people you slept with and whole lot of slut shaming ensued. Sorry about that. It's a pretty impressive list though. Hats—and leggings—off to you! Please tell me your coupling with Joaquin Phoenix happened during his acting phase though and not his rapper phase.
I do have a slight problem with the fact that the list appears to have been written on a Scattergories scorecard. It seems wrong to interrupt the wholesome fun that is Scattergories to make a conquest list. Also, this just seems like a waste of good Scattergories supplies and a decision that could deprive future Scattergories playing generations of fun and methods of keeping score. Also, you apparently left this list at a hotel bar. This seems dumber than having sex with Adam Levine and his moves like Jagger. You own a safe. I saw it on your reality show. Next time you make a list like this you should put it in there. Or just share it with a few friends via Google docs. Don't leave it lying around. Didn't Oprah share these sorts of words of wisdom with you?
As if having your conquest dirty laundry aired wasn't bad enough then James Franco came forward and said he never slept with you. Perhaps he’s operating on some totally different performance art level now and is unable to recognize the basic human act of lovemaking anymore. Or maybe his performance was so bad he's blocked it out of his mind like most of us did with his Oscar hosting gig. Or maybe he's saving himself for Marina Abramovic. Who knows.
Anyways, you've had a rough few weeks so I hate to do this now. Also, I was really excited for your new reality show—I refuse to call it a docu series—and was totally rooting for you. I really was. You seemed excited to get your shit together and if anyone can help with that it's Oprah. Also, she gives away new cars and washers and dryers so she's a really good friend to have.
My excitement was short lived though and each episode I watched just made it worse. I just can't cheer for you anymore. Could you please just once take responsibility for where your life is and the choices you made? Pretty please?
On Sunday night's episode you basically blamed your failed career on your manager. It seems he's just not fighting for you the way you think he should be. You think he is giving all your potential roles to Vanessa Hudgens. This is weird claim to make cause I don't feel like movie going public is inundated with Vanessa Hudgens performances. She was great in Spring Breakers, but you couldn't have accepted that role cause it would have been awkward for you to work with non-sex partner James Franco. You know that people don't hire you cause you show up late, don’t show up at all, are often arrested, spend a lot of time in rehab and were portrayed as the worst thing about The Canyons (which is really, really hard to do), right?
It's so weird that your stellar track record wouldn't have your management team jumping thru massive hoops to make shit happen for you. You know who can make shit happen for you? You. Give it a try. Your life coach was totally trying to get you to admit this on Sunday night's episode. She even had a big ass dry erase board and felt markers to drive this shit home for you, but you were really having none of it. When people bring out big ass dry erase boards they mean business.
You know that your reality show is actually on TV, right? And people are watching it and shit? A good way to impress potential employers and show that bitch Vanessa Hudgens what you're made of might be to like wake up before 1:00 p.m. and not blow off the crew and be unavailable for shooting. You keep saying you don’t have a shooting schedule, but I feel like when you’re on a reality show the schedule is: always. This is Oprah. You don't fuck around. Also, stop going to clubs. You know you're going to be photographed and everyone will assume that you were drinking even if you weren't. People are just assholes that way.
I was really excited for you when you got your new apartment a few episodes ago. It seemed really important to you and your sobriety that you got your own place. What an ordeal though! Nothing is easy for you and again you blamed everyone else for your problems in securing it. I want to buy your assistant a Coke (no, not that kind) cause while he was running around in that one suit he owns trying to make rental shit happen you were sleeping. At 4:00 in the afternoon. If you really have changed try waking up in a time period followed by “a.m.” Also, you own a lot of shit. Far too much shit. You’re like a never-ending episode of Hoarders or that house from the True Detective finale (PS: Screw you, True Detective finale.). Downsize.
Addiction is rough. I'm not denying that. And your parents seem like super bad influences. Shout out to your Mom for getting a DUI in the second episode. You should never drive drunk, but you should really, really never drive drunk when your daughter is shooting a reality show that involves her getting her life back on track after often driving drunk. Also, your Dad is just a douche who mocks your recovery. I did appreciate him helping to pack up and move that computer printer last episode though. Super helpful.
Watching your sober coach awkwardly dance around the question of whether you're sober or not in Sunday night's episode was just too painful. I can't take it anymore. Even your life coach is at her wit's end and she seems like a tough cookie that makes kick ass looking egg white omelettes. Don't even get me started on your poor tortured assistant. The man is one shitty yelling match with you away from going back to work for Prince. Who would want to put up with your condescending bullshit when he can listen to doves cry and party like it's 1999?
Sure you were great in Mean Girls, but I am starting to think most of that was just an awesome script (Tina Fey!) and really good co-stars (Rachel McAdams!). It’s been a lot of years since Mean Girls. They are doing a reunion and you weren’t even invited. Fetch will happen before you get an invite. It didn't have to be this way.
I hope you can turn this around.
Wishing you all the best,
Your former apologist Lisa
PS: Remember to use your safe!
PPS: Stay away from Wilmer!!
Monday, March 3, 2014
The women expand on all the ways they think Juan Pablo is a bag of dick
Tonight is the women tell all episode. Apparently the women have a lot to tell and mostly it involves how much of an ass hat Juan Pablo is. I missed the fantasy suite episode last Tuesday night (sorry, work thing), but my Mom filled me in. Apparently Andi went home (her choice). Oh, and shocker, he took all of them to the fantasy suite (not at once though).
I like the women tell all cause we get to see a lot of Chris Harrison. I enjoy his presence.
8:02: Chris Harrison makes us wait for the drama so we can catch up with that loser virgin bachelor Sean and his new wife Catherine. I did not sign up to be updated on these two. I WANT WOMEN TELL ALL! Not Sean tells all.
8:05: Chris Harrison asks them how the wedding night was. Sean says "fireworks." Catherine says "short fireworks." Chris Harrison says "welcome to the club." It disappoints me that Chris Harrison sells himself short in the sexual prowess department.
8:06: Why is Chris now interviewing Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog? What is this shit? How much are they going to pad this two hours with crap?
8:08: Oh, there's a new Muppet movie coming out. The Bachelor seems like an odd place to advertise the new Muppet movie.
8:10: Chris keeps reminding us how controversial this season has been.
8:11: The people in the audience look like they're being held against their will.
8:12: "Some love him, some don't," says Chris introducing Pervy Pablo.
8:13: The ladies talk about how awesome Juan Pablo is and what a snappy dancer he is. I feel like this love fest will soon turn.
8:14: And it's turning.
8:15: Self-centred seems to be one of the ladies' top complaints.
8:16: Renee reminds us that she is a single mom.
8:17: Andi thinks Juan was just looking for someone to date and not someone to marry.
8:20: Chris reminds us that Juan Pablo was a whore who was always putting his tongue in the mouths of ladies.
8:21: Kelly accuses Juan of using his daughter as an excuse when he didn't want to be honest with ladies. Kelly: 1 Juan: 0.
8:23: Kelly has lots of issues with Juan. Apparently her dog does too cause Kelly brought it along.
8:24: Chris brings up Juan slut shaming Clare in Vietnam. The ladies agree the way Juan treated Clare was wrong.
8:28: Opera singer Sharleen joins Chris in the hot seat and by hot seat he means his crotch zone.
8:29: We review Sharleen's journey on the show. This journey includes lots of making out and racist comments about food.
8:32: Cassandra's eye make up is freaking me out. It needs its own tell all.
8:33: Chris asks why Sharleen left in a way that suggests he is unfamiliar with Juan and his unique brand of douchebaggery.
8:36: Were you aware Renee was a fan favourite....Me neither.
8:39: Chris invites Renee to his lap/hot seat. He reminds Renee of her and Juan's special connection. Hello salt, meet wounds.
8:40: We review Renee's journey. This journey involves a lot of exhaustive chatter about them both being single parents. YAWN.
8:42: Renee is now dating someone. I hope they are also a single parent or else it could get awkward.
8:49: What went wrong in the fantasy suite? Andi is about to tell all. ALL.
8:50: Do we not get to review her journey?
8:51: Chris explains the concept of the fantasy suite to us. Basically humping in a room with no cameras.
8:52: Andi tells us Juan was negative in the fantasy suite and that it was all about him. She apparently missed the moments outside of the fantasy where he was also like this.
8:53: I guess he also brought up his night in the fantasy suite with Clare while he was in the fantasy suite with Andi. ALL CLASS PABLO. ALL CLASS.
8:55: Andi is single and ready to mingle in case there are guys out there who know that what happens in the fantasy suite stays in the fantasy suite.
8:56: AFTER THE BREAK: JUAN.
9:00: The ladies do not look pleased to see him.
9:01: Chris asks Juan if he would have done or said anything differently. Juan says no. The ladies' reactions indicate this is not the correct answer.
9:03: Chris again asks Juan if he has regrets. Juan is again with the no.
9:05: Juan uses his child as an excuse. AGAIN.
9:06: Chris calls Juan out on telling Renee he can't make out with her cause of her daughter and then making out with Clare two second later.
9:07: Cassandra's eye make up calls Juan on his bullshit.
9:08: Some woman I don't remember says Juan shouldn't have treated the ladies with kids any different. Some other woman I don't remember agrees and talks aggressively with her hands while agreeing.
9:11: Andi would like Juan to understand that they all came there looking for a husband. SERIOUSLY. She feels Juan never got to know any of the girls. It's like the process of competing with 27 women to marry a man you barely know is flawed.
9:13: The "dog lover" (NOT AN OCCUPATION) has thoughts on the process.
9:14: One of the girls brings up Juan calling gays perverts. He again blames it on the language barrier. He tells us he is not homophobic and that he has gay friends. GAY FRIENDS!
9:16: Chris presents the blooper sequence. It's not so much bloopers as it is people behaving like idiots.
9:19: Oh, thank god this thing is only 1.5 hours. PHEW.
9:22: Chris asks the ladies who they think will win. Will it be blonde #1 or blonde #2?
9:24: Previews of the finale make it look more exciting than it will actually be. Also, Juan's father shit talks him.
I like the women tell all cause we get to see a lot of Chris Harrison. I enjoy his presence.
8:02: Chris Harrison makes us wait for the drama so we can catch up with that loser virgin bachelor Sean and his new wife Catherine. I did not sign up to be updated on these two. I WANT WOMEN TELL ALL! Not Sean tells all.
8:05: Chris Harrison asks them how the wedding night was. Sean says "fireworks." Catherine says "short fireworks." Chris Harrison says "welcome to the club." It disappoints me that Chris Harrison sells himself short in the sexual prowess department.
8:06: Why is Chris now interviewing Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog? What is this shit? How much are they going to pad this two hours with crap?
8:08: Oh, there's a new Muppet movie coming out. The Bachelor seems like an odd place to advertise the new Muppet movie.
8:10: Chris keeps reminding us how controversial this season has been.
8:11: The people in the audience look like they're being held against their will.
8:12: "Some love him, some don't," says Chris introducing Pervy Pablo.
8:13: The ladies talk about how awesome Juan Pablo is and what a snappy dancer he is. I feel like this love fest will soon turn.
8:14: And it's turning.
8:15: Self-centred seems to be one of the ladies' top complaints.
8:16: Renee reminds us that she is a single mom.
8:17: Andi thinks Juan was just looking for someone to date and not someone to marry.
8:20: Chris reminds us that Juan Pablo was a whore who was always putting his tongue in the mouths of ladies.
8:21: Kelly accuses Juan of using his daughter as an excuse when he didn't want to be honest with ladies. Kelly: 1 Juan: 0.
8:23: Kelly has lots of issues with Juan. Apparently her dog does too cause Kelly brought it along.
8:24: Chris brings up Juan slut shaming Clare in Vietnam. The ladies agree the way Juan treated Clare was wrong.
8:28: Opera singer Sharleen joins Chris in the hot seat and by hot seat he means his crotch zone.
8:29: We review Sharleen's journey on the show. This journey includes lots of making out and racist comments about food.
8:32: Cassandra's eye make up is freaking me out. It needs its own tell all.
8:33: Chris asks why Sharleen left in a way that suggests he is unfamiliar with Juan and his unique brand of douchebaggery.
8:36: Were you aware Renee was a fan favourite....Me neither.
8:39: Chris invites Renee to his lap/hot seat. He reminds Renee of her and Juan's special connection. Hello salt, meet wounds.
8:40: We review Renee's journey. This journey involves a lot of exhaustive chatter about them both being single parents. YAWN.
8:42: Renee is now dating someone. I hope they are also a single parent or else it could get awkward.
8:49: What went wrong in the fantasy suite? Andi is about to tell all. ALL.
8:50: Do we not get to review her journey?
8:51: Chris explains the concept of the fantasy suite to us. Basically humping in a room with no cameras.
8:52: Andi tells us Juan was negative in the fantasy suite and that it was all about him. She apparently missed the moments outside of the fantasy where he was also like this.
8:53: I guess he also brought up his night in the fantasy suite with Clare while he was in the fantasy suite with Andi. ALL CLASS PABLO. ALL CLASS.
8:55: Andi is single and ready to mingle in case there are guys out there who know that what happens in the fantasy suite stays in the fantasy suite.
8:56: AFTER THE BREAK: JUAN.
9:00: The ladies do not look pleased to see him.
9:01: Chris asks Juan if he would have done or said anything differently. Juan says no. The ladies' reactions indicate this is not the correct answer.
9:03: Chris again asks Juan if he has regrets. Juan is again with the no.
9:05: Juan uses his child as an excuse. AGAIN.
9:06: Chris calls Juan out on telling Renee he can't make out with her cause of her daughter and then making out with Clare two second later.
9:07: Cassandra's eye make up calls Juan on his bullshit.
9:08: Some woman I don't remember says Juan shouldn't have treated the ladies with kids any different. Some other woman I don't remember agrees and talks aggressively with her hands while agreeing.
9:11: Andi would like Juan to understand that they all came there looking for a husband. SERIOUSLY. She feels Juan never got to know any of the girls. It's like the process of competing with 27 women to marry a man you barely know is flawed.
9:13: The "dog lover" (NOT AN OCCUPATION) has thoughts on the process.
9:14: One of the girls brings up Juan calling gays perverts. He again blames it on the language barrier. He tells us he is not homophobic and that he has gay friends. GAY FRIENDS!
9:16: Chris presents the blooper sequence. It's not so much bloopers as it is people behaving like idiots.
9:19: Oh, thank god this thing is only 1.5 hours. PHEW.
9:22: Chris asks the ladies who they think will win. Will it be blonde #1 or blonde #2?
9:24: Previews of the finale make it look more exciting than it will actually be. Also, Juan's father shit talks him.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Is it 11:30 yet? Let's do this Oscar shit.
It's Hollywood's biggest night! BIGGEST! No pressure Hollywood! It's the Oscars! We'll get the live blog started at 8:30. I'm gonna need a wine preload from now until then. I'd advise you to do the same.
If you've been watching the E! Network coverage you deserve a medal or to have it be your biggest night (suck it Hollywood!). The E! red carpet coverage is now on about hour 832. Basically they've just propped Ryan Seacrest up Weekend at Bernie's style and he's waiting for the cast of American Hustle and their cleavage to arrive so they can get a conga line going around the Fashion Police. Giuliana Rancic has likely been stuffed into the mani cam by some viewer at home who can no longer stomach Giuliana dry humping the leg of any celebrity she gets within a one mile radius of. Have you ever seen this woman around George Clooney? It ain't pretty. I'm sure it makes Clooney long for a real life Gravity situation.
See you at 8:30. Bring wine. LOTS.
7:03: Dear celebrities: You are all doing an awesome acting job. I actually believe Ryan Seacrest doesn't annoy the fuck out of you.
Also... Dear Jared Leto: Why did you leave me at home? Love, man bun xo
8:20: Over in the hard hitting news department E! Network correspondents just wondered what moisturizer Kate Hudson is wearing. We're going deep people. DEEP.
8:24: THIS JUST IN: Major issues with Benedict Cumberbatch's pants. MAJOR ISSUES.
8:30: Jokes about the weather. YAWN. Also, Ellen is hosting. No Seth and boob jokes this year.
8:31: Every awards show is obligated to give a shout out to the old lady from Nebraska within the first two minutes.
8:32: Does anyone give a rat's ass about Captain Phillips? Yay, that's what I thought.
8:33: Awkward Liza Minnelli joke. Yikes.
8:34: Heroes in Hollywood is tonight's theme. You're hearing it here first: this will go horribly wrong.
8:36: Ellen reminds us about J Law tripping on her dress last year. She reminds us about this for a painfully long time.
8:37: I am always sad Jared Leto doesn't travel with his own personal locker that he can lean against Jordan Catalano style.
8:39: Putting "two time Oscar nominee" before Jonah Hill's name pains me greatly.
8:40: Anne Hathaway is wearing a lite brite on her chest. It is distracting.
8:41: Actor in a supporting role goes to (after Anne Hathaway makes it about her). NOT JONAH HILL. NOT JOHAN HILL. Phew. Jared Leto. Not accepting on behalf of Jared Leto: his man bun.
8:43: He gives a touching tribute to his Mom. Oh no, shout out to 30 Seconds to Mars. Oh no, he is starting to talk about the Ukraine and Venezuela. Cue the music. CUE THE MUSIC. The politics are coming.
8:45: Dear Oscars: I have a large penis and therefore don't need you. Love, Michael Fassbinder.
8:47: Graham asks whether Jim Carrey is famous enough to wear a blue tux. The answer is no.
8:48: Mention LSD and the camera is contractually obligated to cut to Bono.
8:50: Pregnant lady introduces Pharrell Williams. THE FUCKIN HAT! IT HAS OVERSTAYED ITS WELCOME. STOP TRYING TO MAKE THE HAT HAPPEN.
8:52: It's too early for the singing and dancing bullshit.
8:57: Samuel Jackson refers to this year's costume and make up nominees as a "perfect storm." I am not sure if this is meant to be complimentary. The Great Gatsby wins for costume. More specifically Mrs. Baz Luhrmann wins. I loved Great Gatsby way more than I thought I would.
9:01: Dallas Buyer's Club wins for make up and hair which is a much less racist choice than The Lone Ranger winning.
9:02: Harrison Ford introduces some of the best picture nominees. I miss Hans Solo Harrison Ford. He's currently got some crazy going on with his eyes. It is unsettling. He is taking "talking with your eyes" too literally. Yikes. I need the camera to cut away.
9:06: Please give a Dolby Theatre welcome to Channing Tatum. Or just a regular welcome. I am unsure what the Dolby adds to the equation.
9:10: Kim Novak and Matthew McConaughey present best short animated file. Alright, alright, Alright, let's do this. Some short animated film wins. Google it. It's some French people. Also, is Kim Novak drunk or just old?
9:14: Best animated film goes to something I haven't seen. It is Frozen.
9:17: Sweating with the oldies continues on the presenting front...Here's Sally Field.
9:18: Did you catch that crowd shot of Bill Murray? I hope that shit won't haunt your dreams.
9:10: This concept of heroes needs work. Very much work.
9:21: JGL! JGL! Special effects. He fondles the envelope in a way I would like him to fondle my panties. Gravity wins for special effects in what is not a total shocker. Also, no Oscar for Premium Rush?
9:23: "Ladies and gentleman, Zac Efron." GROSS.
9:24: Karen O performs something twee and beautiful. No ukuleles were harmed in the performance.
9:30: Kate Hudson and Jason Sudeikis present best live action short film. As opposed to best no action short film. Helium wins. Best documentary short subject goes to some lady and man. Oops, it's a man and another very short man. Also, Jason Sudeikis makes everything sound very, very serious.
9:36: This Ellen walking the crowd stuff is getting old. She offers to order pizza. Harrison Ford's eyes would like extra cheese.
9:37: Bradley Cooper is being awkwardly filmed. Best documentary feature goes to 20 Feet from Stardom. I know nothing about this film except someone just broke into song and I have no time for that. More wine please.
9:40: Dear Kevin Spacey: Don't do Frank Underwood at the Oscars.
9:41: Kevin tells us about some awards that were not important enough to be presented at the actual awards. Steve Martin wins something. Angela Lansbury wins something. Oh, these are honorary Oscars. Angelina Jolie wins a humanitarium award. Her voice does not sound how I thought it would.
9:49: Best foreign language feature goes to The Great Beauty. There was some political stuff nominated, but that didn't win.
9:51: When Tyler Perry isn't dressed as a woman I get slightly confused.
9:52: Tyler Perry gives a shout out to the high waisted pants of Her. I loved Her.
9:54: Ellen changes into a white tuxedo. Lady Colonel Sanders. Brad Pitt introduces U2. YUCK.
9:55: U2 being annoying: this is happening. How long till the shots of Africa?
9:57: Noted political activist Jared Leto leads the standing ovation for U2.
10:02: Veronica Mars presents those science and tech nerd awards.
10:06: Charlize Theron and the guy who was supposed to marry Miley Cyrus present achievement in sound mixing. Charlize is dating Sean Penn. They met at Seth McFarlane's Christmas party and were caught dancing to "Drop it Like it's Hot." Picture it. You're welcome. Gravity wins Sound Mixing and Sound Editing.
10:11: Best supporting actress goes to NOT JULIA ROBERTS. Lupita Nyong'o wins. Apparently she is dating Jared Leto.
10:18: Can we talk about why Liza Minnelli is getting so much screen time?
10:20: The pizza is here joke reaches its apex. And then some.
10:21: Brad Pitt looks very natural as a waiter handing out plates. Dear Brad: You've got time to lean you've got time to clean.
10:23: Some woman is getting us to celebrate movies. Haven't we been doing that all night?
10:25: Bill Murray and Amy Adams. Bill's suit is ill fitting and he looks lit like a road flare.
10:27: Best cinematography goes to Gravity. Bill Murray gives a nice shot out to Harold Ramis during the nominations.
10:29: Film editing goes to Gravity.
10:32: Whoopi Coldberg introduces the 75th anniversary of The Wizard of Oz doing something. Then Pink sings.
10:36: Have you seen the Vine of J Law eating pizza? Bradley Cooper is giving her side eye while he waits for the crazy bread.
10:43: Jennifer Garner and Benedict Cumberwhatever present achievement in production design to The Great Gatsby. Cue the jazzy Gatsby music. Everyone get flapper!
10:46: The academy tries to make "talented" and "Chris Evans" happens.
10:48: More heroes bullshit happens. Dear The Oscars: ladies can be heroes too.
10:53: Glenn Close sees dead people in montage format.
11:00: Dear Bette Milder: Thanks for allowing me this musical break to question my own mortality.
11:02: A standing ovation for Bette and the dead people.
11:05: Dear Goldie Hawn: Harrison Ford has your eyes.
11:09: Some brunette sings a song from Frozen. People give her a standing ovation.
11:12: Jessica Biel and Jamie Foxx present best original score to something from Gravity. Jamie Foxx makes it about him for the first five minutes. I like that Sandy Bullock claps and gets misty for any shit from Gravity.
11:16: Best song goes to the Frozen bullshit.
11:17: Jessica Biel just explained EGOT to us. Thanks Mrs. Timberlake.
11:23: This pizza schtick is old.
11:24: Penelope Cruz looks dressed for the Sigma Phi toga party happening later.
11:26: Best screenplay goes to 12 Years A Slave. Original screenplay goes to NOT WOODY ALLEN (TOO AWKWARD). Spike Jonze for Her. Loved Her. JGL slaps enthusiastically cause he wants Spike Jonze to do Premium Rush 2.
11:32: Where's Jennifer Aniston when you need her? The Rachel can totally compete with Angelina's major humanitarian efforts.
11:34: The best director goes to the Gravity guy.
11:41: Daniel Day Lewis reminds us he exists by showing up to present. Cate Blanchett wins for Blue Jasmine.
11:46: Dear Woody Allen: We'll pretend celebrating Cate is not celebrating you.
11:48: J Law presents best actor to goes to Matthew McConaughey.
11:54: Dear Matthew McConaughey: Just stick to "alright, alright, alright."
11:55: Why is Will Smith here? To rock an ascot? Best picture goes to 12 Years A Slave.
If you've been watching the E! Network coverage you deserve a medal or to have it be your biggest night (suck it Hollywood!). The E! red carpet coverage is now on about hour 832. Basically they've just propped Ryan Seacrest up Weekend at Bernie's style and he's waiting for the cast of American Hustle and their cleavage to arrive so they can get a conga line going around the Fashion Police. Giuliana Rancic has likely been stuffed into the mani cam by some viewer at home who can no longer stomach Giuliana dry humping the leg of any celebrity she gets within a one mile radius of. Have you ever seen this woman around George Clooney? It ain't pretty. I'm sure it makes Clooney long for a real life Gravity situation.
See you at 8:30. Bring wine. LOTS.
7:03: Dear celebrities: You are all doing an awesome acting job. I actually believe Ryan Seacrest doesn't annoy the fuck out of you.
Also... Dear Jared Leto: Why did you leave me at home? Love, man bun xo
8:20: Over in the hard hitting news department E! Network correspondents just wondered what moisturizer Kate Hudson is wearing. We're going deep people. DEEP.
8:24: THIS JUST IN: Major issues with Benedict Cumberbatch's pants. MAJOR ISSUES.
8:30: Jokes about the weather. YAWN. Also, Ellen is hosting. No Seth and boob jokes this year.
8:31: Every awards show is obligated to give a shout out to the old lady from Nebraska within the first two minutes.
8:32: Does anyone give a rat's ass about Captain Phillips? Yay, that's what I thought.
8:33: Awkward Liza Minnelli joke. Yikes.
8:34: Heroes in Hollywood is tonight's theme. You're hearing it here first: this will go horribly wrong.
8:36: Ellen reminds us about J Law tripping on her dress last year. She reminds us about this for a painfully long time.
8:37: I am always sad Jared Leto doesn't travel with his own personal locker that he can lean against Jordan Catalano style.
8:39: Putting "two time Oscar nominee" before Jonah Hill's name pains me greatly.
8:40: Anne Hathaway is wearing a lite brite on her chest. It is distracting.
8:41: Actor in a supporting role goes to (after Anne Hathaway makes it about her). NOT JONAH HILL. NOT JOHAN HILL. Phew. Jared Leto. Not accepting on behalf of Jared Leto: his man bun.
8:43: He gives a touching tribute to his Mom. Oh no, shout out to 30 Seconds to Mars. Oh no, he is starting to talk about the Ukraine and Venezuela. Cue the music. CUE THE MUSIC. The politics are coming.
8:45: Dear Oscars: I have a large penis and therefore don't need you. Love, Michael Fassbinder.
8:47: Graham asks whether Jim Carrey is famous enough to wear a blue tux. The answer is no.
8:48: Mention LSD and the camera is contractually obligated to cut to Bono.
8:50: Pregnant lady introduces Pharrell Williams. THE FUCKIN HAT! IT HAS OVERSTAYED ITS WELCOME. STOP TRYING TO MAKE THE HAT HAPPEN.
8:52: It's too early for the singing and dancing bullshit.
8:57: Samuel Jackson refers to this year's costume and make up nominees as a "perfect storm." I am not sure if this is meant to be complimentary. The Great Gatsby wins for costume. More specifically Mrs. Baz Luhrmann wins. I loved Great Gatsby way more than I thought I would.
9:01: Dallas Buyer's Club wins for make up and hair which is a much less racist choice than The Lone Ranger winning.
9:02: Harrison Ford introduces some of the best picture nominees. I miss Hans Solo Harrison Ford. He's currently got some crazy going on with his eyes. It is unsettling. He is taking "talking with your eyes" too literally. Yikes. I need the camera to cut away.
9:06: Please give a Dolby Theatre welcome to Channing Tatum. Or just a regular welcome. I am unsure what the Dolby adds to the equation.
9:10: Kim Novak and Matthew McConaughey present best short animated file. Alright, alright, Alright, let's do this. Some short animated film wins. Google it. It's some French people. Also, is Kim Novak drunk or just old?
9:14: Best animated film goes to something I haven't seen. It is Frozen.
9:17: Sweating with the oldies continues on the presenting front...Here's Sally Field.
9:18: Did you catch that crowd shot of Bill Murray? I hope that shit won't haunt your dreams.
9:10: This concept of heroes needs work. Very much work.
9:21: JGL! JGL! Special effects. He fondles the envelope in a way I would like him to fondle my panties. Gravity wins for special effects in what is not a total shocker. Also, no Oscar for Premium Rush?
9:23: "Ladies and gentleman, Zac Efron." GROSS.
9:24: Karen O performs something twee and beautiful. No ukuleles were harmed in the performance.
9:30: Kate Hudson and Jason Sudeikis present best live action short film. As opposed to best no action short film. Helium wins. Best documentary short subject goes to some lady and man. Oops, it's a man and another very short man. Also, Jason Sudeikis makes everything sound very, very serious.
9:36: This Ellen walking the crowd stuff is getting old. She offers to order pizza. Harrison Ford's eyes would like extra cheese.
9:37: Bradley Cooper is being awkwardly filmed. Best documentary feature goes to 20 Feet from Stardom. I know nothing about this film except someone just broke into song and I have no time for that. More wine please.
9:40: Dear Kevin Spacey: Don't do Frank Underwood at the Oscars.
9:41: Kevin tells us about some awards that were not important enough to be presented at the actual awards. Steve Martin wins something. Angela Lansbury wins something. Oh, these are honorary Oscars. Angelina Jolie wins a humanitarium award. Her voice does not sound how I thought it would.
9:49: Best foreign language feature goes to The Great Beauty. There was some political stuff nominated, but that didn't win.
9:51: When Tyler Perry isn't dressed as a woman I get slightly confused.
9:52: Tyler Perry gives a shout out to the high waisted pants of Her. I loved Her.
9:54: Ellen changes into a white tuxedo. Lady Colonel Sanders. Brad Pitt introduces U2. YUCK.
9:55: U2 being annoying: this is happening. How long till the shots of Africa?
9:57: Noted political activist Jared Leto leads the standing ovation for U2.
10:02: Veronica Mars presents those science and tech nerd awards.
10:06: Charlize Theron and the guy who was supposed to marry Miley Cyrus present achievement in sound mixing. Charlize is dating Sean Penn. They met at Seth McFarlane's Christmas party and were caught dancing to "Drop it Like it's Hot." Picture it. You're welcome. Gravity wins Sound Mixing and Sound Editing.
10:11: Best supporting actress goes to NOT JULIA ROBERTS. Lupita Nyong'o wins. Apparently she is dating Jared Leto.
10:18: Can we talk about why Liza Minnelli is getting so much screen time?
10:20: The pizza is here joke reaches its apex. And then some.
10:21: Brad Pitt looks very natural as a waiter handing out plates. Dear Brad: You've got time to lean you've got time to clean.
10:23: Some woman is getting us to celebrate movies. Haven't we been doing that all night?
10:25: Bill Murray and Amy Adams. Bill's suit is ill fitting and he looks lit like a road flare.
10:27: Best cinematography goes to Gravity. Bill Murray gives a nice shot out to Harold Ramis during the nominations.
10:29: Film editing goes to Gravity.
10:32: Whoopi Coldberg introduces the 75th anniversary of The Wizard of Oz doing something. Then Pink sings.
10:36: Have you seen the Vine of J Law eating pizza? Bradley Cooper is giving her side eye while he waits for the crazy bread.
10:43: Jennifer Garner and Benedict Cumberwhatever present achievement in production design to The Great Gatsby. Cue the jazzy Gatsby music. Everyone get flapper!
10:46: The academy tries to make "talented" and "Chris Evans" happens.
10:48: More heroes bullshit happens. Dear The Oscars: ladies can be heroes too.
10:53: Glenn Close sees dead people in montage format.
11:00: Dear Bette Milder: Thanks for allowing me this musical break to question my own mortality.
11:02: A standing ovation for Bette and the dead people.
11:05: Dear Goldie Hawn: Harrison Ford has your eyes.
11:09: Some brunette sings a song from Frozen. People give her a standing ovation.
11:12: Jessica Biel and Jamie Foxx present best original score to something from Gravity. Jamie Foxx makes it about him for the first five minutes. I like that Sandy Bullock claps and gets misty for any shit from Gravity.
11:16: Best song goes to the Frozen bullshit.
11:17: Jessica Biel just explained EGOT to us. Thanks Mrs. Timberlake.
11:23: This pizza schtick is old.
11:24: Penelope Cruz looks dressed for the Sigma Phi toga party happening later.
11:26: Best screenplay goes to 12 Years A Slave. Original screenplay goes to NOT WOODY ALLEN (TOO AWKWARD). Spike Jonze for Her. Loved Her. JGL slaps enthusiastically cause he wants Spike Jonze to do Premium Rush 2.
11:32: Where's Jennifer Aniston when you need her? The Rachel can totally compete with Angelina's major humanitarian efforts.
11:34: The best director goes to the Gravity guy.
11:41: Daniel Day Lewis reminds us he exists by showing up to present. Cate Blanchett wins for Blue Jasmine.
11:46: Dear Woody Allen: We'll pretend celebrating Cate is not celebrating you.
11:48: J Law presents best actor to goes to Matthew McConaughey.
11:54: Dear Matthew McConaughey: Just stick to "alright, alright, alright."
11:55: Why is Will Smith here? To rock an ascot? Best picture goes to 12 Years A Slave.
Monday, February 24, 2014
It's hometown hell
Did you wake up this morning excited that this week we get two nights of Juan? Me neither. It's hometown date week. Let's join the gang for tonight's "exciting" goings on hopefully already in progress. Like, very, very in progress. Like almost over in progress.
8:00: Whenever Chris Harrison promises me "dramatic turns" I just think he's full of shit. Hometown shit.
8:02: Kansas City lucks out and gets to get the shit parade out of the way early. This is the hometown of Nikki. Lucky for Kansas City Juan is not rocking the coloured denim. He's doing layers with a kicky vest.
8:03: BBQ. I could go for two nights of this. Dear ribs: You're proof Juan will tongue any rack.
8:05: Dipshit rides a mechanical bull.
8:06: Nikki is pleasantly surprised he is more of a cowboy than she expected. Wait till him and his vest ride her later in the fantasy suite.
8:07: Nikki is in love with Juan and can't wait to tell him. I can't wait to see more shots of those ribs.
8:08: Robin Thicke is getting divorced in what is sure to be a shocker for absolutely no one. That guy just oozes douche.
8:09: When watching The Bachelor do the commercials for Trios College just make you want to throw it all away and study TV and VCR repair? They make some compelling arguments. Also, since no one uses VCRs anymore you'll never have to worry about transitioning skill into action.
8:11: Just once I want them to show up at a home and the door is locked and the lights are off and the family is hiding in the shed out back trying to look like they're not home.
8:13: Juan seems surprised Nikki's family would welcome him.
8:14: Leaving their meals to get cold (ANIMALS) Nikki and her Mom sneak off for a chat that totally doesn't look like a producer made them do it.
8:15: Nikki's Dad attempts to bond with Pervy cause they both have kids. I wonder if Nikki's Dad trots Nikki out when it's convenient for him too.
8:16: Nikki's Dad keeps saying he trusts Nikki in a way that suggests he doesn't trust her AT ALL.
8:18: This just in: they're making Ted 2. You're welcome.
8:19: Making out on the front porch. I was hoping Dad would flick the lights and ruin the mood.
8:24: We are in Andi's hometown. I missed the name of the hometown. It has a duck pond. That's all I got.
8:25: Shooting guns. More shooting guns. Even more shooting guns.
8:27: I hate to stereotype, but I am gonna guess we're in the South somewhere.
8:31: Andi's hometown is Atlanta. I once saw that great British girl group Lush play in Atlanta in the 90s. I hope they're doing that tonight. It would be great to hear Lush.
8:32: Andi's Dad looks like he has no fucks to give about Juan and this process.
8:33: Dad is very good with numbers and is keeping track of how long it took for Andi to get a one on one date and how many girls were left at each stage in the process.
8:35: Dad thinks they're just infatuated with each other. Dad has clearly never seen this show before and is unaware of its central premise.
8:36: Dad thinks it's all been fun and games till this point. Dad clearly hasn't been following along cause it has been anything but.
8:38: Andi and Juan salsa dance in front of her Mom. Then Mom salsa dances with Juan. Then Mom throws her rose in the ring since they're already at her home anyways.
8:40: Apparently Juan went on The Bachelor so people would know who he is. FAME WHORE.
8:41: Dad doesn't think Juan is good enough for his daughter. Wait until he sees the footage from that one on one. YOWZA.
8:46: Andi's Dad again seems concerned Juan is dating three other women. He should check out this show once in a while. He tells Juan he won't take him seriously until he's only dating one. It is unclear whether he wants that one to be Andi.
8:47: Andi's sister says she doesn't want to be a Debbie Downer and then proceeds to be a big Debbie Downer.
8:48: Debbie Downer's downing is interrupted by Dad who's rolled in with some more concerns.
8:50: Andi lets us know she is very close to being in love with Juan. Very close.
8:53: This woman suspicious of the ingredients in her cat's food makes a lot of really good points.
8:55: Next season they should combine the hometown dates with the fantasy suite bullshit. Now that would be a Harrison worthy dramatic turn.
8:56: Next stop Sarasota, Florida. Renee. SHE IS THE SINGLE MOM. DID YOU FORGET?
8:57: Renee's son Ben pops by. There is hugging and then Ben asks Juan "are you my new Daddy?"
8:59: Juan creeps out Renee's son.
9:00: We watch Ben play baseball. Years from now Ben will turn to heroin and petty crime to forget this.
9:01: We are getting a special sneak preview of some movie called Need for Speed, introduced awkwardly by Chris and Juan. Ladies do not seem like the target market for this movie so this product integration seems awkward. Yes, I did just say "product integration."
9:04: I see Renee's brother is rocking a deep V to show solidarity with Pervy.
9:05: Renee's Mom seems quite concerned Renee did not meet Ben's little league coach. I am too.
9:06: Juan and Mom sit down to chat more about this snubbed little league coach.
9:07: Does anyone else think Ben might have just been some random kid hired to play her son?
9:09: Renee is madly crazy in love (with Juan?). Her Mom seems to think this is great. My Mom would have no time for this bullshit (one of the many, many reasons she is awesome).
9:10: Renee's Dad thinks Juan is great. According to him Renee is glowing. They make a cream for that.
9:11: Next stop: Clare's house.
9:17: Clare lives in Sacramento. At this point do we even care?
9:19: Juan and Clare sit in a park and talk about her dead Dad. Juan fakes tears and counts the seconds till the next makeout session.
9:26: Clare has a shitload of sisters.
9:28: Clare and one of her 500 sisters chat about what Clare would do if Juan asked her to get married. The sister looks a lot like Maya Rudolph. Clare says she would say yes to Pervy.
9:30: Two of the 500 sisters gang up on Juan. He admits it was a physical attraction at first. This seems like an odd thing to confess.
9:33: The evil sister to Clare's Cinderella brings the bitch and stands to the side watching Clare and her Mom talk cause she thinks Clare is going to manipulate her Mom. Can we give these people a reality show? This is more exciting then anything we've seen this season.
9:31: One of the sisters becomes a mega bitch about Juan getting Clare's Mom's blessing. Mom doesn't say anything and attempts to just blend into the drapes.
9:39: Juan grabs time with Mom, but the meddling sister shows up again. I dislike when people say they're being protective when really they get off on meddling. This sister is one of those.
9:42: Clare's Mom talks about how marriage is sacred. If there's one take away from The Bachelor franchise it's that marriage is sacred.
9:44: Clare reminds us how much she is dying to become Mrs. Pablo.
9:45: Have you noticed The Bachelor has a lot of please don't drink and drive commercials. It's like they know people have to be really drunk to watch this and are just trying to do their part.
9:48: Chris Harrison tells us the seriousness of the situation is weighing on Juan Pablo. WEIGHING.
9:49: The first rose goes to Nikki. She seems surprised. I am too.
9:50: Second rose goes to Clare. I really think he is going to pick Clare.
9:51: Last rose goes to Andi! Poor Renee. Poor Ben. Maybe that little league coach is foxy?
9:52: Juan fakes some tears. Renee tells him she is in love with him.
9:53: Juan tells Renee she is so great (as he is sending her packing). I am surprised Juan doesn't try to get one last makeout session in.
9:54: Limo tears. Years of The Bachelor have trained me to assume that every limo I see has a crying lady inside.
9:55: Tomorrow night: What Happens In The Fantasy Suite Doesn't Stay In The Fantasy Suite. This sounds like a horror movie. The romantic overnight dates take a dramatic turn, according to Harrison who has misled us so far when it comes to drama and it's various turns and levels.
8:00: Whenever Chris Harrison promises me "dramatic turns" I just think he's full of shit. Hometown shit.
8:02: Kansas City lucks out and gets to get the shit parade out of the way early. This is the hometown of Nikki. Lucky for Kansas City Juan is not rocking the coloured denim. He's doing layers with a kicky vest.
8:03: BBQ. I could go for two nights of this. Dear ribs: You're proof Juan will tongue any rack.
8:05: Dipshit rides a mechanical bull.
8:06: Nikki is pleasantly surprised he is more of a cowboy than she expected. Wait till him and his vest ride her later in the fantasy suite.
8:07: Nikki is in love with Juan and can't wait to tell him. I can't wait to see more shots of those ribs.
8:08: Robin Thicke is getting divorced in what is sure to be a shocker for absolutely no one. That guy just oozes douche.
8:09: When watching The Bachelor do the commercials for Trios College just make you want to throw it all away and study TV and VCR repair? They make some compelling arguments. Also, since no one uses VCRs anymore you'll never have to worry about transitioning skill into action.
8:11: Just once I want them to show up at a home and the door is locked and the lights are off and the family is hiding in the shed out back trying to look like they're not home.
8:13: Juan seems surprised Nikki's family would welcome him.
8:14: Leaving their meals to get cold (ANIMALS) Nikki and her Mom sneak off for a chat that totally doesn't look like a producer made them do it.
8:15: Nikki's Dad attempts to bond with Pervy cause they both have kids. I wonder if Nikki's Dad trots Nikki out when it's convenient for him too.
8:16: Nikki's Dad keeps saying he trusts Nikki in a way that suggests he doesn't trust her AT ALL.
8:18: This just in: they're making Ted 2. You're welcome.
8:19: Making out on the front porch. I was hoping Dad would flick the lights and ruin the mood.
8:24: We are in Andi's hometown. I missed the name of the hometown. It has a duck pond. That's all I got.
8:25: Shooting guns. More shooting guns. Even more shooting guns.
8:27: I hate to stereotype, but I am gonna guess we're in the South somewhere.
8:31: Andi's hometown is Atlanta. I once saw that great British girl group Lush play in Atlanta in the 90s. I hope they're doing that tonight. It would be great to hear Lush.
8:32: Andi's Dad looks like he has no fucks to give about Juan and this process.
8:33: Dad is very good with numbers and is keeping track of how long it took for Andi to get a one on one date and how many girls were left at each stage in the process.
8:35: Dad thinks they're just infatuated with each other. Dad has clearly never seen this show before and is unaware of its central premise.
8:36: Dad thinks it's all been fun and games till this point. Dad clearly hasn't been following along cause it has been anything but.
8:38: Andi and Juan salsa dance in front of her Mom. Then Mom salsa dances with Juan. Then Mom throws her rose in the ring since they're already at her home anyways.
8:40: Apparently Juan went on The Bachelor so people would know who he is. FAME WHORE.
8:41: Dad doesn't think Juan is good enough for his daughter. Wait until he sees the footage from that one on one. YOWZA.
8:46: Andi's Dad again seems concerned Juan is dating three other women. He should check out this show once in a while. He tells Juan he won't take him seriously until he's only dating one. It is unclear whether he wants that one to be Andi.
8:47: Andi's sister says she doesn't want to be a Debbie Downer and then proceeds to be a big Debbie Downer.
8:48: Debbie Downer's downing is interrupted by Dad who's rolled in with some more concerns.
8:50: Andi lets us know she is very close to being in love with Juan. Very close.
8:53: This woman suspicious of the ingredients in her cat's food makes a lot of really good points.
8:55: Next season they should combine the hometown dates with the fantasy suite bullshit. Now that would be a Harrison worthy dramatic turn.
8:56: Next stop Sarasota, Florida. Renee. SHE IS THE SINGLE MOM. DID YOU FORGET?
8:57: Renee's son Ben pops by. There is hugging and then Ben asks Juan "are you my new Daddy?"
8:59: Juan creeps out Renee's son.
9:00: We watch Ben play baseball. Years from now Ben will turn to heroin and petty crime to forget this.
9:01: We are getting a special sneak preview of some movie called Need for Speed, introduced awkwardly by Chris and Juan. Ladies do not seem like the target market for this movie so this product integration seems awkward. Yes, I did just say "product integration."
9:04: I see Renee's brother is rocking a deep V to show solidarity with Pervy.
9:05: Renee's Mom seems quite concerned Renee did not meet Ben's little league coach. I am too.
9:06: Juan and Mom sit down to chat more about this snubbed little league coach.
9:07: Does anyone else think Ben might have just been some random kid hired to play her son?
9:09: Renee is madly crazy in love (with Juan?). Her Mom seems to think this is great. My Mom would have no time for this bullshit (one of the many, many reasons she is awesome).
9:10: Renee's Dad thinks Juan is great. According to him Renee is glowing. They make a cream for that.
9:11: Next stop: Clare's house.
9:17: Clare lives in Sacramento. At this point do we even care?
9:19: Juan and Clare sit in a park and talk about her dead Dad. Juan fakes tears and counts the seconds till the next makeout session.
9:26: Clare has a shitload of sisters.
9:28: Clare and one of her 500 sisters chat about what Clare would do if Juan asked her to get married. The sister looks a lot like Maya Rudolph. Clare says she would say yes to Pervy.
9:30: Two of the 500 sisters gang up on Juan. He admits it was a physical attraction at first. This seems like an odd thing to confess.
9:33: The evil sister to Clare's Cinderella brings the bitch and stands to the side watching Clare and her Mom talk cause she thinks Clare is going to manipulate her Mom. Can we give these people a reality show? This is more exciting then anything we've seen this season.
9:31: One of the sisters becomes a mega bitch about Juan getting Clare's Mom's blessing. Mom doesn't say anything and attempts to just blend into the drapes.
9:39: Juan grabs time with Mom, but the meddling sister shows up again. I dislike when people say they're being protective when really they get off on meddling. This sister is one of those.
9:42: Clare's Mom talks about how marriage is sacred. If there's one take away from The Bachelor franchise it's that marriage is sacred.
9:44: Clare reminds us how much she is dying to become Mrs. Pablo.
9:45: Have you noticed The Bachelor has a lot of please don't drink and drive commercials. It's like they know people have to be really drunk to watch this and are just trying to do their part.
9:48: Chris Harrison tells us the seriousness of the situation is weighing on Juan Pablo. WEIGHING.
9:49: The first rose goes to Nikki. She seems surprised. I am too.
9:50: Second rose goes to Clare. I really think he is going to pick Clare.
9:51: Last rose goes to Andi! Poor Renee. Poor Ben. Maybe that little league coach is foxy?
9:52: Juan fakes some tears. Renee tells him she is in love with him.
9:53: Juan tells Renee she is so great (as he is sending her packing). I am surprised Juan doesn't try to get one last makeout session in.
9:54: Limo tears. Years of The Bachelor have trained me to assume that every limo I see has a crying lady inside.
9:55: Tomorrow night: What Happens In The Fantasy Suite Doesn't Stay In The Fantasy Suite. This sounds like a horror movie. The romantic overnight dates take a dramatic turn, according to Harrison who has misled us so far when it comes to drama and it's various turns and levels.
Celebrity meltdown coverage: gender matters
Did you miss the recent Valentine’s Day announcement that winning warlock Charlie Sheen is getting married for the fourth time? Maybe you were busy having a life, or watching season two of House of Cards (SO GOOD!) or let your subscription to Winning Warlock Weekly lapse.
Who can blame you after Sheen’s well-publicized 2011 meltdown, or “meltforward” as he called it, complete with truth torpedos, goddesses and weird rants about tiger blood. The media covered Sheen’s meltdown—I refuse to make meltforward happen—like it was a sitcom or comedy tour, wondering what hilarity and hijinx Sheen would get up to next. His history of violence against women, substance abuse, anti-Semitism and responsibility for making #winning happen were largely swept under the rug. Sheen’s behaviour was often described as “antics” or dismissed, as “hey, look Charlie’s being zany again.”
In fact, during his meltdown heyday, Sheen was treated like a rock star. He landed a Rolling Stone cover and made several primetime appearances that provided him ample airtime to explain himself and his behaviour. Sheen was also the highest paid television actor at the time—earning a reported $1.8 million (US) per episode of Two and a Half Men. That kind of cheddar buys a lot of bowling shirts. Sheen’s mental state may have been questioned during his meltdown, but not nearly as much as that of a 2007 meltdown era Britney Spears.
Sheen’s media image hasn’t changed much since 2011. Coverage of his recent engagement largely laughed off his 2011 “antics,” instead focussing on his desire to have children with his new bride. No mention was made of Sheen’s history of domestic violence or lacklustre parenting record. Does this man even have custody of any of his other four children? Do his children just go directly from the womb to Denise Richards’ care?
Compare coverage of Sheen’s meltdown to that of Drake-lover Amanda Bynes or an umbrella-wielding Britney Spears and it doesn’t take long to see the double standard when it comes to celebrity meltdowns. At the same time Sheen was gracing the cover of Rolling Stone, Lindsay Lohan appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair in a piece that painstakingly detailed Lohan’s substance abuse issues and legal troubles. It also made frequent reference to her haggard appearance and questioned whether she would ever, ever get her once promising career back on track. The verdict: no. Sheen #winning. Lohan #tragic.
But Sheen’s not the only one benefiting from the media’s double standard. Once squeaky clean pop star Justin Bieber has had a DUI arrest, disrespected Bill Clinton while peeing in a restaurant mop bucket, egged a neighbour’s house, been photographed sneaking out of a Brazilian brothel and sparked a US petition to deport him. He also wants to change his name to Bizzle, which is not technically a crime, just kind of a crime against humanity.
Media coverage of Bieber largely downplays the severity of his troubles, chalking them up to growing pains as the singer transitions into adulthood and sheds his Bieber skin to become Bizzle. Like Bieber, both Bynes and Lohan started out as child stars, but their troubles are rarely attributed to growing up, instead the media focuses on their mental state or their drug use. At least Bieber is allowed to grow up. If the media had their way Miley Cyrus would remain in a perpetual state of Hannah Montana.
Despite finding drugs on his tour bus, pilots on his plane having to wear gas masks (is that even safe?) cause the marijuana smoke was so thick and sources close to Bieber—I refuse to make Bizzle happen—concerned about his addiction to Sizzurp (Google it) and pot, Bieber’s substance abuse and troubled behaviour has largely been portrayed as socially acceptable teenage rebellion. Again, none for you Miley.
Writing after Bieber’s recent surrender to Toronto police for allegedly assaulting a limo driver the media wondered if maybe this was all a carefully constructed public relations move or an image rebrand designed to improve Bieber’s bad boy image. Hey, it worked for Sheen—who I would like to point out is worth a reported $125 million (US). The media noted that Bieber’s record sales weren’t what they used to be. Perhaps vandalism and monkey abandonment were just the thing to get the record buying public interested in him again.
For Bieber being a bad boy is good for business. Not so much for Lohan. Her last film The Canyons was largely panned before it even hit theatres. Reviewers seemed unable to separate the Lohan they saw on the big screen with the Lohan they saw on the TMZ small screen. Lohan is definitely not the worst thing about The Canyons—next time perhaps the director could avoid hate filming his actors or people could remember that Bret Easton Ellis-penned characters are largely vapid and often laughable—but almost every review focussed on Lohan’s performance and never missed an opportunity to refer to her as “embattled actress Lindsay Lohan” or “troubled startlet Lindsay Lohan.” Chris Brown is always just Chris Brown not “Rihanna beater Chris Brown” or “violent misogynist Chris Brown” or “serial douchebag Chris Brown.”
Even if being a bad girl can be good for business the media is quick to remind us that this fame and success could vanish at any minute. During her meltdown days Spears made some questionable choices—shaving her head, marrying Kevin Federline, hanging out with Paris Hilton, just to name a few—that the media will never let her forget. Despite media concern over her post-meltdown career, Spears continues to top the charts, judge The X Factor and headline a two-year Vegas residency. Despite this, the majority of her media coverage never fails to mention her quickie marriages and rehab visits and suggests that another meltdown might be waiting just right around the corner.
And then there’s Shia LaBeouf. Where do we even start? If you’re just joining the LaBeouf crazy train already in progress he’s been plagiarizing people, punching people, walking out on press conferences while plagiarizing people, punching people at bars, fighting with Alec Baldwin and just generally behaving bizarrely. Rumours of substance abuse have long plagued LaBeouf. He generally brushes them off as “method acting” or blames others for not understanding his intensity (read: love of the sauce).
LaBeouf’s latest stunt involves his announcement that he is retiring from acting, followed by an appearance at the Berlin Film Fest for the premiere of Lars von Trier’s Nymphomaniac sporting a paper bag over his head with “I’m Not Famous Anymore” scrawled on it.
It turns out this was all part of—wait for it—a performance art piece called #IAMSORRY that LaBeouf was mounting in Los Angeles. The performance involves LaBeouf sitting silently in a dark room with the paper bag over his head and various mementos from his career; including Indiana Jones’ crystal skull and a Transformers action figures. I give his show three 2009 Joaquin Phoenix’s out of five. Can’t LaBeouf just join General Hospital like James Franco did?
Media coverage of LaBeouf’s meltdown in the name of art has largely focussed on his eccentricity—there’s those zany antics again—and his valuable contribution to the dialogue around performance art. One media outlet even gathered a panel of performance artists to discuss LaBeouf’s work with one going so far as to say: “he’s starting a broad cultural discussion that needs to be had.” Way to go, Even Stevens—LaBeouf was a child Disney star too, but we don’t get reminded of this nearly as much as we do with Miley.
By embracing his performance art angle the media legitimizes LaBeouf’s bizarre antics. There’s no mention of his mental state. No mention of whether his career will ever recover. Media coverage of Bynes’ meltdown focused largely on her physical appearance, commenting on what she wore and how much her appearance had changed—and not in a good way—since her “25 Hottest Stars Under 25” days in 2006. Media rarely comment on LaBeouf’s appearance or commented on Phoenix’s I’m Still Here appearance, despite the fact that both of them are definitely less dashing as performance artists.
While the media regularly updates us on Sheen, Bynes has received little post-meltdown coverage. She’s doing better—having spent time in rehab and away from Twitter—but the media only likes a redemption story if there’s a male protagonist. Bynes only gets the meltdown and then she’s tossed aside. And while the Bynes story has a happy ending, that’s not always the case. If Lohan or Bynes were to die they would get a media circus of Whitney Houston proportions not the respectful coverage afforded Philip Seymour Hoffman or Heath Ledger.
I hope it doesn’t come to that, and that Lindsay’s actually been punking us all this time. Soon she’ll announce it’s all been one big performance art piece. If she did, the media would no doubt accuse her of stealing LaBeouf’s paper bag.
Who can blame you after Sheen’s well-publicized 2011 meltdown, or “meltforward” as he called it, complete with truth torpedos, goddesses and weird rants about tiger blood. The media covered Sheen’s meltdown—I refuse to make meltforward happen—like it was a sitcom or comedy tour, wondering what hilarity and hijinx Sheen would get up to next. His history of violence against women, substance abuse, anti-Semitism and responsibility for making #winning happen were largely swept under the rug. Sheen’s behaviour was often described as “antics” or dismissed, as “hey, look Charlie’s being zany again.”
In fact, during his meltdown heyday, Sheen was treated like a rock star. He landed a Rolling Stone cover and made several primetime appearances that provided him ample airtime to explain himself and his behaviour. Sheen was also the highest paid television actor at the time—earning a reported $1.8 million (US) per episode of Two and a Half Men. That kind of cheddar buys a lot of bowling shirts. Sheen’s mental state may have been questioned during his meltdown, but not nearly as much as that of a 2007 meltdown era Britney Spears.
Sheen’s media image hasn’t changed much since 2011. Coverage of his recent engagement largely laughed off his 2011 “antics,” instead focussing on his desire to have children with his new bride. No mention was made of Sheen’s history of domestic violence or lacklustre parenting record. Does this man even have custody of any of his other four children? Do his children just go directly from the womb to Denise Richards’ care?
Compare coverage of Sheen’s meltdown to that of Drake-lover Amanda Bynes or an umbrella-wielding Britney Spears and it doesn’t take long to see the double standard when it comes to celebrity meltdowns. At the same time Sheen was gracing the cover of Rolling Stone, Lindsay Lohan appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair in a piece that painstakingly detailed Lohan’s substance abuse issues and legal troubles. It also made frequent reference to her haggard appearance and questioned whether she would ever, ever get her once promising career back on track. The verdict: no. Sheen #winning. Lohan #tragic.
But Sheen’s not the only one benefiting from the media’s double standard. Once squeaky clean pop star Justin Bieber has had a DUI arrest, disrespected Bill Clinton while peeing in a restaurant mop bucket, egged a neighbour’s house, been photographed sneaking out of a Brazilian brothel and sparked a US petition to deport him. He also wants to change his name to Bizzle, which is not technically a crime, just kind of a crime against humanity.
Media coverage of Bieber largely downplays the severity of his troubles, chalking them up to growing pains as the singer transitions into adulthood and sheds his Bieber skin to become Bizzle. Like Bieber, both Bynes and Lohan started out as child stars, but their troubles are rarely attributed to growing up, instead the media focuses on their mental state or their drug use. At least Bieber is allowed to grow up. If the media had their way Miley Cyrus would remain in a perpetual state of Hannah Montana.
Despite finding drugs on his tour bus, pilots on his plane having to wear gas masks (is that even safe?) cause the marijuana smoke was so thick and sources close to Bieber—I refuse to make Bizzle happen—concerned about his addiction to Sizzurp (Google it) and pot, Bieber’s substance abuse and troubled behaviour has largely been portrayed as socially acceptable teenage rebellion. Again, none for you Miley.
Writing after Bieber’s recent surrender to Toronto police for allegedly assaulting a limo driver the media wondered if maybe this was all a carefully constructed public relations move or an image rebrand designed to improve Bieber’s bad boy image. Hey, it worked for Sheen—who I would like to point out is worth a reported $125 million (US). The media noted that Bieber’s record sales weren’t what they used to be. Perhaps vandalism and monkey abandonment were just the thing to get the record buying public interested in him again.
For Bieber being a bad boy is good for business. Not so much for Lohan. Her last film The Canyons was largely panned before it even hit theatres. Reviewers seemed unable to separate the Lohan they saw on the big screen with the Lohan they saw on the TMZ small screen. Lohan is definitely not the worst thing about The Canyons—next time perhaps the director could avoid hate filming his actors or people could remember that Bret Easton Ellis-penned characters are largely vapid and often laughable—but almost every review focussed on Lohan’s performance and never missed an opportunity to refer to her as “embattled actress Lindsay Lohan” or “troubled startlet Lindsay Lohan.” Chris Brown is always just Chris Brown not “Rihanna beater Chris Brown” or “violent misogynist Chris Brown” or “serial douchebag Chris Brown.”
Even if being a bad girl can be good for business the media is quick to remind us that this fame and success could vanish at any minute. During her meltdown days Spears made some questionable choices—shaving her head, marrying Kevin Federline, hanging out with Paris Hilton, just to name a few—that the media will never let her forget. Despite media concern over her post-meltdown career, Spears continues to top the charts, judge The X Factor and headline a two-year Vegas residency. Despite this, the majority of her media coverage never fails to mention her quickie marriages and rehab visits and suggests that another meltdown might be waiting just right around the corner.
And then there’s Shia LaBeouf. Where do we even start? If you’re just joining the LaBeouf crazy train already in progress he’s been plagiarizing people, punching people, walking out on press conferences while plagiarizing people, punching people at bars, fighting with Alec Baldwin and just generally behaving bizarrely. Rumours of substance abuse have long plagued LaBeouf. He generally brushes them off as “method acting” or blames others for not understanding his intensity (read: love of the sauce).
LaBeouf’s latest stunt involves his announcement that he is retiring from acting, followed by an appearance at the Berlin Film Fest for the premiere of Lars von Trier’s Nymphomaniac sporting a paper bag over his head with “I’m Not Famous Anymore” scrawled on it.
It turns out this was all part of—wait for it—a performance art piece called #IAMSORRY that LaBeouf was mounting in Los Angeles. The performance involves LaBeouf sitting silently in a dark room with the paper bag over his head and various mementos from his career; including Indiana Jones’ crystal skull and a Transformers action figures. I give his show three 2009 Joaquin Phoenix’s out of five. Can’t LaBeouf just join General Hospital like James Franco did?
Media coverage of LaBeouf’s meltdown in the name of art has largely focussed on his eccentricity—there’s those zany antics again—and his valuable contribution to the dialogue around performance art. One media outlet even gathered a panel of performance artists to discuss LaBeouf’s work with one going so far as to say: “he’s starting a broad cultural discussion that needs to be had.” Way to go, Even Stevens—LaBeouf was a child Disney star too, but we don’t get reminded of this nearly as much as we do with Miley.
By embracing his performance art angle the media legitimizes LaBeouf’s bizarre antics. There’s no mention of his mental state. No mention of whether his career will ever recover. Media coverage of Bynes’ meltdown focused largely on her physical appearance, commenting on what she wore and how much her appearance had changed—and not in a good way—since her “25 Hottest Stars Under 25” days in 2006. Media rarely comment on LaBeouf’s appearance or commented on Phoenix’s I’m Still Here appearance, despite the fact that both of them are definitely less dashing as performance artists.
While the media regularly updates us on Sheen, Bynes has received little post-meltdown coverage. She’s doing better—having spent time in rehab and away from Twitter—but the media only likes a redemption story if there’s a male protagonist. Bynes only gets the meltdown and then she’s tossed aside. And while the Bynes story has a happy ending, that’s not always the case. If Lohan or Bynes were to die they would get a media circus of Whitney Houston proportions not the respectful coverage afforded Philip Seymour Hoffman or Heath Ledger.
I hope it doesn’t come to that, and that Lindsay’s actually been punking us all this time. Soon she’ll announce it’s all been one big performance art piece. If she did, the media would no doubt accuse her of stealing LaBeouf’s paper bag.
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